Monday July 29th

Happy Monday (jk Monday’s suck). Anyways…it’s been a little over a week since my last post, I’ve had a lot going I guess. To be honest my head just hasn’t been right. Like at all.

In previous posts I mentioned my disastrous vacation from a few weeks ago. Some unforeseen things have cropped up. I’ve seen a drastic rise in my anxiety and irritability. I was really down and feeling ashamed of myself still. Somehow, because my head is a little screwy, I got it in my mind that my wife had reached her limit with me and wanted to leave me. Which wasn’t at all the case. I thought to myself “ok I’ll just leave her completely alone and when she’s ready she’ll come talk to me.” After like 8 or 9 days, nothing. Looking back there WERE several times she tried to engage me in conversation and I totally snubbed her. The reason being that I was starting to get really fucking angry that she wasn’t talking to me. So I started being really cold and saying nothing to her, meanwhile my anxiety is at like 9000!! (Dragonball Z reference for any nerds that read this) so much so that my hands and feet can’t stop shaking and tapping. I had an appointment with my therapist and made an emergency appointment with my psychiatrist on the same day. After talking to both of them 2 things stood out. One…they both thought maybe I needed another hospital stay to kind of get back to normal. Two…that I needed to talk to my wife. My psych doc also upped one of my meds.

So, alot of what I write in this blog centers on mental health and my day to day struggle with it. What I want to talk about is communication. This whole thing with my wife and I could have been avoided if I had just talked to her. I maybe wouldn’t have needed med changes or emergency appointments, or to triple up on sleep meds just to get some sleep, or start having suicidal thoughts. Yup, you read that right. All this could have been avoided. Saturday night I finally said fuck it and went outside to talk to her. Guess what? The fucking situation was a simple misunderstanding. I thought she was shutting me out and she thought I was shutting her out. See? If we had just talked, and by we I mean me, this would have never gotten so far. So we talked, and cried and hugged and kissed. Just like that everything seems to have gone back to normal just cuz I opened my mouth.

Next month will be the anniversary of our first date, 16 years ago. This October will be our tenth wedding anniversary. I have been with this woman that I love more than anything for almost half of my life. This is someone I adore and cherish, she’s my best friend and I almost let it slip away because essentially I’m an idiot. I’m no marriage expert, but, I do know this. The one and only thing that will keep your marriage together in my opinion is communication. The love is always there even if you have to dig for it from time to time.

My anxiety and depression still are worse than I’d like right now, but that isn’t really the point of this particular entry. It’s about talking to your significant other. Don’t let your pride get in the way of your love for each other, it isn’t worth what you may potentially give up.

I hope maybe someone will read this and will help them in their relationship.

As always, thanks for listening talk to you all later.

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