Sunday July 21st

It’s 2 am sunday morning and my head is spinning. I can’t stop thinking about Chris Herren. I spoke about him in my last post. He’s a former NBA player who went through 14 years of hell because of his substance abuse problem. Now he goes all over the country as a motivational speaker talking to teen age kids, professional sports teams and corporate presentations. In the last 2 days I’ve watched Unguarded an ESPN 30 for 30 where he tells his story. It’s really excellent I suggest you watch it. ESPN just aired another program called the first day starring Mr.Chris Herren where he talks more about addiction. I’ve taken to YouTube and watched some of his other speeches.

Maybe it’s because we’re from the same state and background. Maybe it’s because of how brutally open and honest he is about his life. I don’t know why but I’m obsessed with his story. He was so deep in a hole and has turned things around to where he makes a nice living for his family. Not only that but he’s positively impacted hundreds of thousands of lives. All of this has made me think. Am I still at risk??

I haven’t touched cocaine in 14 or 15 years, I recently gave up booze completely, but, I still smoke weed. I get excited when I’m in pain because I hope I’ll get some good painkillers because I don’t know how to score them on the street. When I do get them prescribed for let’s say a 3 day supply. Gone in one day. I talk so proudly about how I beat cocaine and quit smoking cigarettes and how I made a personal decision to not drink. That personal reason being that booze fucks with my psych meds. So, I am responsible when it comes to managing my mental health…right?

While watching all of Chris Herrens various speeches I keep relating parts of it to my life. Maybe I’ve watched too much, so much so that I’ve convinced myself that I may still be an addict. When he talks about how his heroin habit started with pills, it gives me pause. So I keep running it through my head. Here’s why I think that I may still be at risk. When it comes to smoking pot I don’t hide anything, pretty much everyone who knows me knows that I’m an advocate. The pill thing though, that worries me. I get them prescribed legitimately, but the more I think about my behavior when I have them, the more concerns I have. I shouldn’t feel like I have to sneak pills that I have a prescription for, but there it is. Obviously I am ashamed of my behavior in this situation. I have a legit prescription and immediately abuse it. I must have a problem, I don’t know. I’ll have to talk to my therapist about this one.

Talk to you all later

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