Tuesday July 16th

Hey all, on vacation in New Hampshire……finally. Leaving in the morning but I have some stuff I want to talk about a little bit.

I would like to impress upon people how important good mental health is. Take me for example, I have some problems obviously. The difference between me and a lot of people is that I’ve had a good support system, alot don’t. I take my meds every day, but, it’s not a blanket cure. I still have to work really hard to keep things under control but sometimes I still just can’t. We were able to bring our dog which we’ve always wanted to do. This was a bad idea. The 3 hour car ride was a nightmare, the first night when we arrived she was an absolute nightmare as well. This shot my anxiety through the fucking roof. I won’t mention any names or titles but certain family members wouldn’t let us just deal with her in our own way. They were all expert dog handlers all of a sudden. I took this extremely personally which in a normal situation I wouldn’t have been so offended. So these 2 things are major factors. The real big factor being a simple memory. Friday the 12th was was the 20th anniversary of my father’s suicide. How hard it would be this particular year was unexpected and unwelcome. I really thought this year to be different. I thought it would be ok.

My sister and I wanted to do something special for the 20 year mark. Back in June we did an overnight walk with the AFSP the American foundation for suicide prevention. We entered into this with open minds and hearts. The whole experience was so warm and positive being with all of these people who have lived through the death of a friend or loved one by suicide. Also it was amazing to have this experience with my sister who unfortunately I have distanced myself from over the years. In recent years we have reconnected and it’s been awesome.

After having this positive experience being able to honor my dad was simply amazing to me. This was the first year in twenty that I thought that I’d be ok. I was wrong.

I’m not sure if I consciously let it overwhelm me or if it just happened that way, no idea. So the following Sunday when we left unbeknownst to my wife I had been really struggling with things. So with that hanging over my head and the other factors that I mentioned I was absolutely freaking miserable. So much so that I just let myself filter into anger and misery which incidentally ruined my family’s entire day. We went to Clark’s trading post and I just was an asshole plain and simple. I was rude to everyone, my wife, my mother and father in law my nieces and nephew etc.

The point of all this is to illustrate that even with the help of medication you can still very easily go completely off the rails. Even while it’s happening you know that you’re wrong but just can’t stop. I’ve never been so ashamed of myself. Now….let’s imagine that I WASN’T on meds. There is a pretty good chance that I may have hurt myself or others, or, when later in the day my nephew who is 18 years younger than me, stood up to me about my behavior. Without the meds I would have beaten the shit out of him and the consequences would be extremely dire. Divorce, arrest etc. I’m not excusing my behavior but trying to illustrate that meds DO help, therapy DOES help. Most of us DO need help with this.

There are many understanding people out there, but, this is for you all that aren’t as understanding. We AREN’T looking for attention, we ARE NOT simply unable to handle life. We just need a helping hand or an ear to listen to us. Instead of judging you can try and maybe help a fellow human.

That’s all for today, thanks for listening.

3 thoughts on “Tuesday July 16th

  1. Fabulous, thoughtful post; I have never had serious problems with physical aggression, but my anger/sadness/outbursts absolutely ruined some of my relationships before I was diagnosed with bipolar and medicated. I also thankfully have a great support system. Hope you feel better now, or soon ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m doing good now those kind of outbursts aren’t really typical for me. Just so much at once. You are the first to comment on one of my posts. Thanks for the feedback, I’m glad to be reaching like minded people. Take care ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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