Tuesday June 16th

It’s been a long while since I’ve posted anything here. I don’t know if my blog posts ever reached anyone before and since it’s been so long, I doubt even one person will read this, but, I don’t care about that because writing this is therapeutic for me.

Here we are in the absolute fucking shit storm that is 2020. I’m going to rewind a bit before 2020 started because it sets up what I want to say. My wife and I had a devastating personal loss in October 2019. Our wonderful, loyal, feisty freight train of joy passed on. She was our dog, an American bulldog, and she was our whole life, she was our baby. We wanted so badly to start a family of our own. We tried, and we failed. The first was an ectopic pregnancy, fail. We eventually went to a fertility specialist who basically said that our best chance was IVF treatments. If anyone is reading this and has dealt with IVF, it’s not easy. It’s stressful and emotionally draining which is NOT conducive to actually becoming pregnant, in my opinion. We were told that before we try any treatment however, my wife would need surgery to remove one of her fallopian tubes. Let me just say that through everything that you’ve already read and what you’re about to read, she is made of fucking pure champion stuff. Through all of this she was a fucking warrior and I will never forget what she put herself through to try and give me a child, her words. During surgery it was discovered that along with the removal of the tube, one of her ovaries was just gone. Yes you read that correctly, fucking gone, poof. The tube that was removed was so twisted and damaged that the doctor thinks that it simply didn’t get enough blood flow and simply died, it looked as though her body just absorbed it. So….to recap that’s two surgeries already during this pregnancy stuff.

Let’s fast forward just a bit, she’s recovered from this major surgery and is ready to start the IVF treatments. I won’t go into too much detail here. She attempted two rounds of IVF, and after the second failed treatment she comes to me with tears in her eyes saying that she can’t do it again, that it’s all been too much for her, and she’s asking for my forgiveness. SHE’S ASKING FOR MY FORGIVENESS!? REALLY!? After all she put herself through she really is standing there with a tear stained face asking me to forgive her. I actually laughed. Yup…I laughed. Smiling at her with tears in my own eyes I tell her that she has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to be sorry for. Did I want children? Of course I did, we both did but there’s no way in hell that I would ever accept an apology in this case because there wasn’t anything to apologize for. She put her body and mind through hell, for me. Again, her words. She knew how badly I wanted this and fought so hard to try and do this for me, for us. Were we sad and upset about it? Of course we were, but at that point there wasn’t anything else she could do. So that was that, the chapter was done, time to turn the page.

So back to our dog Lady. Lady was there with us through all of the above, she was our biggest source of comfort through the previous chapter. Not that we didn’t love her before, but now, it was intensified exponentially. She became the center of our universe and we were so happy. We had our family, maybe not how we envisioned, but we had it. So now we had accepted that children were not in the equation for us but we had accepted that. Fast forward to last September. Late in the month she just out of nowhere stopped eating, right then I knew something bad was coming. Roughly ten days from then she was gone and we were fucking devastated. I haven’t cried so much in I don’t know how long, we lost our baby, the center of our world. To this day neither of us can look at a picture of her without at least tearing up, most of the time we cry. I think that it was some time in November when she comes home from her weekend waitressing job to tell me that she’s pregnant!! You probably would think that I was fucking jumping for joy, I wasn’t. Thinking back to everything she had already been through I was terrified for her. Fucking here we go again, more heartache. 2020 arrives and she is still pregnant and it looks like this might actually be it. Along with the loss of Lady we had also lost a rescue we took in the summer before along with both of our cats after we lost Lady, needless to say we had a rough 4 or 5 years at that point. Now all of a sudden we have this new ray of hope, it’s gonna happen. Before anyone reading this gets too anxious, my wife is now 9 months pregnant and will probably go into labor any day, everything is good, that’s not where this is going.

2020 arrives and even though we’d been through so much, we looked ahead and thought, this is the year things are gonna turn around for us. Well…not so much. We lose an icon in Kobe Bryant and his daughter Gianna which greatly upset me, and coming from a Celtics fan that’s saying alot. Holy shit now a global pandemic, what else? Just a few more incidents where black Americans are being murdered by police followed by protests and rioting. We’re stuck at home, thankfully my wife was able to work from home. My workplace was shut down for 2 months, but thankfully I was still able to collect a paycheck. So we at least didn’t have that stress in our lives.

I think that I may have rambled on a bit, my apologies. Obviously, if you couldn’t tell from the title of my blog, I have some mental health issues. Needless to say, it has not been an easy time for me. Trying to navigate through this dumpster fire of a year is a struggle for the most mentally healthy person, imagine being one who struggles with their mental health during the best of times. I’m not trying to whine, like I said, this is therapeutic for me. Having a pregnant wife during a pandemic is kind of a unique situation. I was the one having to go to the grocery store run errands etc., which I did gladly because there’s no way in hell that I’m letting her put herself in jeopardy. But needless to say doing these things, even though I was always wearing my mask and being extremely cautious, that shit is nerve wracking. This has been tough on me, and my wife. She’s scared enough being pregnant through all of this. She of course is emotional, but, she’s still a fucking champion. I’ve had some serious up and down moments. At one point I was starting to drift back towards some suicidal thoughts. Along with that, I’m constantly questioning my ability to be a good father. Constantly telling myself that I can’t do this, I should just fucking run. At one point I went for a drive. I was maybe 10 minutes to the freaking Connecticut border in a random parking lot off of 95 thinking of just getting back on the highway and just driving as far away as possible. I didn’t. I had to try and shut down all the racing thoughts and focus on my wife, and our baby girl to ground myself back to reality. “This isn’t me” I told myself, “you aren’t that guy.”

Needless to say 2020 has been a massive struggle for my wife and I mentally and emotionally. So a few weeks back I start getting back to work, just staff, no public so I feel a little better about it because I’ll have less exposure. Fast forward to this past Friday. I had been feeling shitty all week, exhausted, weak, occasionally dizzy. Just all around I felt like hot garbage. I went to my boss, who actually contracted covid and recovered, and told her how I was feeling. Her eyes bugged out of her fucking head and told me that I should go get a test done and not to come back to work until my results come back assuming that they are negative. Well….this guy is now freaking the fuck out….again. Now I’m living in the basement self quarantining, until my results come back. So I have this hanging over my head, she’s gonna blow any day and if my test is positive I may not be able to see my daughter for months. I have been so damn careful and I’m fucking beside myself in fear and anxiety along with my wife who is terrified of the prospect of being in that room without me. It’s now 5:30 am on Tuesday, I’ve been up all night, and haven’t gotten any word from the doctor. This has already been one of the most stressful times of my life. Thank goodness for zoom, without which I wouldn’t have been able to talk to my therapist. No gym and no Krav maga during all this which were wonderful outlets for me both physically and mentally. I was trying to work out at home but allowed myself to succumb to this depressive state of mind.

Wow, I just vomited out alot of words and I’m glad I did. This has been helpful for me. If anyone actually reads this I hope it helps a little because I know with this anxiety and depression that I deal with you can feel isolated and alone, so if you’re reading this know that you are not alone. We’re in this together.

Thanks for listening, talk to you later.

Monday December 2nd

So it’s been awhile since my last post, hope all had a safe and enjoyable Thanksgiving.

I’m going to veer off my usual type of post, I’m gonna wax philosophical in a way.

If anyone actually reads my blog you’ll know that 2 months ago we had to put down a most beloved dog named Lady. She (to my wife and I) was simply the best dog ever. She wasn’t perfect, but she WAS perfect for us. I’m going to get personal for a minute. I loved this dog from day one, she came to us at 7 weeks old and gave us 5 amazing years of her loyalty, goofiness, temperament and unceasing never failing love for us. If we’d go away and leave her with friends or family she would pine for us the entire time, she was very special to us. To the personal part. About 4 or so years ago my wife became pregnant and we were so thrilled that this was happening! Holy shit I’m gonna be a dad! Well, it wasn’t meant to be, the pregnancy was ectopic meaning that the fertilized egg never made it out of the fallopian tube. This required a surgical procedure to terminate the pregnancy due to the fact that if left alone would kill my wife. This obviously hit us hard as it would anybody, but, as it does life goes on and so do we. In turn everything in us that we would have given to our child went to Lady. I think it’s obvious that I am not talking about toys or any sort of tangible things. I’m referring to all our concern, affection and love. Time passed and we had moved on thinking maybe kids aren’t for us but kept the idea open for future discussions. We were happy with our family as it was and we were content with our lives.

A few years had passed and my Instagram and Facebook posts were literally only of the dog lol. I can’t remember exactly when but the subject of starting a family resurfaced, with caution. I was leery considering what had happened before but excited at the prospect of having a son or daughter. We decided that we should talk to a fertility specialist.

Before we went ahead with the fertility treatment another surgery looked. I honestly can’t remember why the procedure was necessary but while the doctor was in there she saw that one of her fallopian tubes had twisted so severely that it killed the attached ovary. The thing was just gone, not a piece of it left, she said that her body probably absorbed it. Even after all that we went ahead with the IVF process, twice. Oh and she had to have procedures after each round of IVF to remove the failed attempts. After all this she told me that she just couldn’t do it anymore and didn’t want to try anymore. After everything she went through there was no way I was gonna fight her on it, her health is much too important to me to risk anymore harm to her.

Time passes again and at this point had turned the page. We we happy with our lives the way it was and had accepted the fact that we wouldn’t have kids. So again Lady became the recipient of even more love and affection. Fast forward to October 2nd when we lost our precious Lady, fuck you cancer. About 3 weeks ago my wife comes home and tells me out of the blue that she’s pregnant! Holy shit! We didn’t know how to react given our experiences.

Here’s where I get philosophical. The doctor puts the time of conception within a day or 2 of Lady’s death. Someone once told me that dogs will hang on until they know that their masters will be ok. She knew, I’m convinced of it. She knew that we’d be sad but that happy things were ahead of us. A life for a life.

I’m happy to say that she is still pregnant and everything is going well so far. Another random thing happened, my dad’s best friend contacted me out of the blue and tells me that he has my great grandfathers cane and he wanted me to have it. To me it just seems weird that my wife gets pregnant seemingly as a parting gift from a beloved friend. Now a family heirloom surfaces that I can maybe pass on to my child. It just feels like forces that I can’t explain or comprehend are working to help us, for the first time in a long time I’m optimistic about the road ahead.

Thanks for listening, talk to you all later.

Saturday November 2nd

Hey there, it’s been a long time since I posted last. The last 6 weeks have been very hard on my wife and I. We lost our dog Lady. Her picture is on my page, isn’t she fucking gorgeous? Her death has been a hard hit for both of us emotionally. Ever since we found out that we couldn’t have children she became everything to us. We had already raised her from a 7 week old puppy. She WAS our baby. She was also a big source of emotional comfort for both of us. She was with us through 2 miscarriages and deaths in the family and my many hospitalizations for physical and mental ailments. She really was the best and actually as I’m writing this I’m realizing that, at least so far, this is the first day since she died that I haven’t cried. If I keep writing about her I WILL start crying though, Lady isn’t the main subject today, maybe indirectly.

I haven’t been taking great care of myself lately, even before we lost Lady. Her death has made things worse obviously but I’d already been slipping back in to old habits. I wasn’t exercising, eating like shit and smoking weed again.

Right before the first of the month I decided to fundraise for the Movember cause. Part of it is that I pledge to walk or run so many miles by the end of the month. This has helped me kickstart, hopefully, getting back in to shape. Movember focuses on mental health awareness, specifically for men. A lot or most undiagnosed cases of depression are in men and as someone who has mental health issues and has lost a father to suicide, it’s a worthy cause in my opinion. I decided while I was taking my walk that I would post today. It’s fall here in New England, my favorite time of year. I always love it when the leaves change. Anyways, while walking I was thinking about life and how shitty it has been lately. While I’m thinking this I realized that even though things are dark right now doesn’t mean they always will be. Being out in nature and seeing the beauty out here has I hope helped to tweak my perspective. It’s time to try and start healing and getting back to my much healthier routine. Lady lived to make us happy, that’s all she cared about. She knew when we were hurting and always tried to help. Even when she was minutes from death in the hospital about to be euthanized all she did was keep coming to me and nuzzling my face to comfort me. She was very special (now I’m crying) to us. That being said, when would hate to think that we were sad and hurting. Since she’s not here to comfort me I must remember her. She wouldn’t want me to give up or quit. This all may sound stupid to some people, some would say it’s just a dog. She was more than that to me end of story.

So anyways, I’m hoping to get back on track, we’ll see. Thanks for listening.

Friday October 4th

Nothing in my world will be the same anymore. I’m scared where the road leads us now. In the matter of a week we went from beautiful healthy pup to a dead one. Please don’t read this and roll your eyes, or say who cares it’s just a dog. She was not JUST a dog.

My wife and I were the extremely proud owners of a beautiful American bulldog. She came to us when she was only 7 weeks old. We’ve raised her as our own child basically. In the intervening years since she came to us we found out that we’re not able to have children of our own, that being said our pets become more than that. They’re the center of our life, Lady especially. In her 5 years on earth we have molded our lives around Lady, she was everything. I want to shut myself away, seriously life doesn’t seem worth it anymore. My wife and I have been broken by this, neither one of us can look at anything in this house without bawling our eyes out. I don’t want to get dressed or leave the house, I’ve never felt like this. At least not since my dads suicide. You can’t compare the two I guess but at least as of right now, this is worse. This just isn’t fucking fair. She was the sweetest creature in the world and the way it ended for her is just wrong. She was in so much pain in the end and we didn’t even know that she was sick until it was too late. How could this happen?!?!?! She was fucking fine!! One day she started to refuse food and a week later she’s dead!! Why!!!!!!

I’m sure this seems overly dramatic but I don’t know what to do anymore. My mornings revolved around her, our plans always revolved around her. She was at the center of everything and now nothing seems right anymore. Colors don’t seem as bright, food doesn’t taste right, there’s no joy left in anything right now. Another piece of me is gone forever. She was so very special to me, even at the end when she was surrounded by her favorite humans she kept coming to me and licking my face. It’s like she was saying goodbye or something. No one could have communicated to her what was going on, she just knew and was actually trying to comfort us. She was the best friend I’ll ever have and I just want to die.

My wife and I will move on from this I hope. We’ll find a way forward I hope. We must keep going although at the moment that doesn’t seem possible.

Thursday September 12th

I’ve been blogging for awhile now and although it’s been cathartic for me to write down and express some of the things that I go through day to day I feel like I need to try and reach a wider audience otherwise I can’t really help anyone. To those of you that have actually read my posts you know that I focus alot on my day to day struggles and triumphs as they relate to mental health issues. I feel that as a normal-ish blue collar regular guy my experiences might help others like me with their own struggles and hopefully help them to feel like they are not alone in this. My hope is that I can help people, even if I only reach one person out there I have succeeded.

Just now I have made a Facebook page with the same title as my personal blog in the hopes that I can reach a wider audience. Unless I did something wrong setting this Facebook page up, I hope to stay anonymous. That may not be possible if I hope to reach a wider audience, we’ll see.

So, if there IS anyone who reads this blog please visit my Facebook page and please spread the word.

As always, thanks for listening talk to you all later.

Friday August 30th

As long as I can remember, long before I knew anything about bipolar or depression I have had a hard time controlling my temper. I would just fly off the handle with the slightest provocation. That part of my personality has always been one of my biggest struggles.

Yesterday got off to a rough start at work and my temper was immediately tested. I have to say that I’m actually pretty proud of myself. There was definitely a time where the situation would have sent me into a blind rage. There was a situation where a coworker stuck their nose into my business and it got under my skin, but, I just walked away where years ago I probably would have screamed in their face and made a scene probably getting myself fired. A little while later I’m in the mailroom area and the same coworker is there, I just ignore her and walk around where she is standing. As soon as she sees me she throws her arms up in the air and starts trying to jump out of the way from me like I’m gonna attack her or something. This woman, in my opinion, was definitely trying to provoke me. Why? I don’t know. I’ve been told that I can look mean when I’m pissed off, maybe that’s true. Regardless of whether or not I looked mean I don’t feel like her behavior was necessary. A few minutes later, don’t ask me how, I dropped my phone into a 5 gallon bucket of water. What the fuck. By now I’m so fucking angry I’m shaking. I did the only thing I could think of, I called my wife. She remains to this day the only person that can calm me down when I’m like that. God bless her.

The day did get better from there. I left work early to go to the last Patriots preseason game with some friends which was a very welcome distraction.

Looking back on yesterday I’m definitely proud of how I handled myself. I’m not sure if it’s the therapy, meds etc. Or, if it’s that I’m older and more mature but there was a time where I would have made things so much worse for myself. The anger would ultimately have led me to a horrible depression. Again, another thank you to my wife. I’ve spoken in previous posts about the importance of a solid support structure. She has always been so loving, supporting and above all patient with me. I am a very lucky man. Unfortunately not everyone has someone like that in their lives. I’m not being dramatic when I say that without her my life would have turned out completely different. My mental health struggles may have taken the better of me, I may have ended up taking my own life or living in a psych ward or something or homeless.

Anyways, back to my point. For anyone, not just those of us with mental health issues, support is important. It just may be slightly more important for us. If you know someone who struggles, reach out to them, listen to them. Let them know that they’re not alone. If you struggle and feel like you are alone I hope you can find the strength to reach out yourself and talk to somebody before things get worse.

The point of this blog is simply to help people. Help people who struggle like I do, or help people who have friends or loved ones that struggle ways to help them. That’s all that this is about. I’m not sure how wide of an audience I’m reaching, I’m not sure anyone even reads this, but, I am going to keep writing in the hopes that I could possibly help even one person.

That’s all for now, talk to you all later.

Friday August 23rd

Hey there everybody, happy Friday. Today is my wife’s birthday, and just like every year I start to think about our lives together so far. This year is no different, but I want to illustrate how she’s affected my life from a mental health perspective.

We have been together for 16 years, for a lot of those years she had many reasons to pick up and go. I was not an easy person to love for a long time and I really don’t know how or why she did it. The only answer I can come up with is that she always saw more on me than I saw in myself.

She came into my life only a few years removed from my fathers suicide, during which I was a hardcore addict. Countless times I lied to her about where I was and what I was doing, knowing full well that she knew exactly what I was up to. All the times I spent money that should have gone to bills or groceries. She stuck with me anyways. After those days were over my mental health problems started to surface and I know her life became even more difficult at times. From my angry outbursts to my crippling depression. There was a point that she was one of the only people that I hadn’t driven away. I look back on this and it makes me smile. I smile because I realize exactly how lucky I really am to have her.

Years later and I have come a long way, the mental health stuff is still there, but, I have learned to manage it a little better. One thing that has made more of a difference than all the meds, all the counseling etc is her support. She stuck with me and held me up all these years. I can honestly say that I don’t know if I’d even be alive without her love and support.

As an individual putting in the time with therapy and taking your meds everyday don’t matter, in my experience, as much as having that love and support at home. So if anyone actually reads this and has their own issues with mental health, remember to keep the ones that love and support you close. You can’t help yourself without them.

That’s all for today, thanks for listening.

Monday August 19th

What’s going on everyone? It’s been a bit since I’ve posted, but, I’m back at it.

There are a couple things that I’d like to talk about. I’m trying to get used to an adjustment in my medications. Not sure if it’s for that reason but I’ve had some bouts of insomnia in the last week. It could be due to the fact that I’ve lost some weight in a short period of time and am feeling week. When I have time off of work I can’t stay awake during the day which leads to being up all night, taking some seroquel to help me sleep which makes me wicked groggy all the next day. Other than that, things have been good. My wife, best friend and my nephews went to Boston comic con on Saturday and had a fucking blast. Added some sweet pop figures to my collection but just like last year I spent all my cash before getting to the tattoo stand haha. The wife and I also added some excellent art work to our collection. My nephews who are 13 and 9 experienced their first comic con experience, I can’t wait until next year. Always a good time. The only thing that sucked was that I had been dealing with a diverticulitis flare up the week preceding the event. My youngest nephew was stressing me out a little which added to the pain. Still dealing with that but handling it. We have conditioning week at krav maga which precedes stripe test the following week so I have to make sure I’m fit enough to get to class.

Saturday night after dropping off the boys and going home to change, I went back to my sisters to watch the UFC pay per view with her and her boyfriend. I gotta tell you, I really WANT to like this guy but after Saturday I have to conclude that he’s a fucking douche nozzle. I’m not sure what she sees in him. Her ex husband moved on so damn quick and she’s been alone for several years. At this point I feel like she’d rather be with an ass hat who shows some interest rather than being alone. This mother fucker not once but twice made overly sexual innuendos to her right in front of me. Not fucking cool guy, it took all my strength not to rag doll this mother fucker on the spot.

Even though it was an aggravating experience on Saturday evening I have to say that I’m actually impressed with myself. A few years ago there would have been an incident. I’m not saying that I would have hit him, but, I would definitely have made a scene. Sometimes in all of this going to the psychiatrist and going to therapy and taking my meds you may wonder “is any of this actually helping?” It’s nice to have these occasional reminders that you’re doing something right.

Amongst all these other things I’ve made the decision to give sobriety a shot. I have in recent years given up alchohol and what seems like a lifetime ago, cocaine. For roughly 23 years I have been smoking pot, every day. It wasn’t until I spoke to my psychiatrist recently that I realized HOW I have been using it. Obviously it starts out innocent enough, hanging with friends, getting baked. I realized that over the years I’ve stopped actually enjoying it. It’s just been something that I’ve leaned on. I have been using it to self medicate in recent years and it can kind of get in the way of what I’m trying to accomplish in regard to my mental health. Yes, it helps with anxiety which I have in spades. The downshot being that it is so fleeting that I would smoke ALL DAY EVERY DAY. I need to let it go and let the meds do their job. Another reason being that next month I go for a neuro psychological test which my psychiatrist has been wanting me to do for awhile. She told me that if it turns out that I have ADD or ADHD or something that weed can be really harmful mixed with those types of meds. Another reason being that my insurance won’t cover the testing unless I’m completely sober for at least 8 weeks. During the intervening time the fog has lifted so to speak and I’ve been able to contemplate the matter more rationally. So hopefully it will help me down the line.

Also we may be fostering a pup soon, our American bulldog fur baby needs a friend badly.

Anyways, that’s all for now. Talk to you all later.

Sunday August 4th

Happy Sunday everyone. It’s been a few days since I have posted and after leaving the gym I had an urge to post.

This one is specifically for a male audience. Gentlemen, how many time in your life have you heard “shut up, stop bitching” or “get the fuck up, don’t be a pussy” or “stop crying you sound like a little girl”

Growing up I’m sure we heard this from our dads, coaches, uncles even teachers. I loved my dad more than I can say, he was my biggest fan and probably one of if not the best friend I ever had. That being said, I heard all of these things fly out of his mouth growing up. People would say “he’s just old school, he grew up in a tougher generation” or some bullshit along those lines. Like myself you’d probably take it “like a man” and move on, probably harboring a little resentment for a time. Still, you’d accept this as healthy criticism because “I’m a man.”

Fact, men can be much more prone to mental illness. Why? Because we grew up being told to “be tough” and “don’t be a little bitch.” So, as teenagers all the way into adulthood we maybe start to internalize how we feel. Shit, if we talk about our feelings we’ll seem scared and weak right? No guy wants that, tell me I’m wrong fellas. Due to this fact we are at risk. We may suffer from depression, anxiety or having thoughts of killing ourselves. I have dealt with all of this personally and for a long time just brushed it aside because “I’m a man!” Statistically, and feel free to check this yourselves I may have my facts mixed up, more men than women commit suicide. I feel there is a direct correlation between this and how we were brought up. My dad, and myself, are perfect examples of this. His father raised him to not “be a pussy” and “be tough” so ultimately he internalized all of his suffering and eventually couldn’t handle it anymore and put a bullet in his head. He raised me the same way my grandfather raised him. So, years after his suicide, (years I spent self medicating with cocaine, pot, pills and booze) I realized, thanks to my wife that I needed help. At the point where I started seeking help I was years removed from my cocaine addiction. I was however still self medicating with alcohol and pot. Even after starting therapy and being medicated, by a doctor, I still was self medicating in my own way.

I’m starting to ramble, sorry. The point that I’m trying to make is that my decision to get help is what made me a man, made me strong. Self medication and internalization are weak behaviors. Hiding your problems from the world isn’t strength. At one point during my treatment I still got to a point where I was ready to say fuck it and join my dad six feet under, didn’t care. I gave no thought to my wife and my family, I wanted it to end. Then, I made a decision that took real strength. I asked for help. Once I finally told my wife how I was feeling through paroxysms of grief, she rushed me to the hospital immediately. They found me a bed in a local mental hospital within a day or two and ultimately I was able to heal. Not fully, I’m not there yet, but, I’m still putting in the work. I don’t think we ever fully heal, but we can keep opening up, keep fighting to be present for the ones we love who have stuck with us through everything.

If you feel depressed, or feel that ending your life may be the best option, be a man and ask for help. A real man has the strength to lean on others if he has to. No man is an island. If this reaches even one guy out there I hope it helps. I hope you read this and realize that you’re NOT alone and there are so many reasons to live. I’m gonna put a few links below relating to today’s topic.

As always, thanks for listening. Talk to you all later.



Monday July 29th

Happy Monday (jk Monday’s suck). Anyways…it’s been a little over a week since my last post, I’ve had a lot going I guess. To be honest my head just hasn’t been right. Like at all.

In previous posts I mentioned my disastrous vacation from a few weeks ago. Some unforeseen things have cropped up. I’ve seen a drastic rise in my anxiety and irritability. I was really down and feeling ashamed of myself still. Somehow, because my head is a little screwy, I got it in my mind that my wife had reached her limit with me and wanted to leave me. Which wasn’t at all the case. I thought to myself “ok I’ll just leave her completely alone and when she’s ready she’ll come talk to me.” After like 8 or 9 days, nothing. Looking back there WERE several times she tried to engage me in conversation and I totally snubbed her. The reason being that I was starting to get really fucking angry that she wasn’t talking to me. So I started being really cold and saying nothing to her, meanwhile my anxiety is at like 9000!! (Dragonball Z reference for any nerds that read this) so much so that my hands and feet can’t stop shaking and tapping. I had an appointment with my therapist and made an emergency appointment with my psychiatrist on the same day. After talking to both of them 2 things stood out. One…they both thought maybe I needed another hospital stay to kind of get back to normal. Two…that I needed to talk to my wife. My psych doc also upped one of my meds.

So, alot of what I write in this blog centers on mental health and my day to day struggle with it. What I want to talk about is communication. This whole thing with my wife and I could have been avoided if I had just talked to her. I maybe wouldn’t have needed med changes or emergency appointments, or to triple up on sleep meds just to get some sleep, or start having suicidal thoughts. Yup, you read that right. All this could have been avoided. Saturday night I finally said fuck it and went outside to talk to her. Guess what? The fucking situation was a simple misunderstanding. I thought she was shutting me out and she thought I was shutting her out. See? If we had just talked, and by we I mean me, this would have never gotten so far. So we talked, and cried and hugged and kissed. Just like that everything seems to have gone back to normal just cuz I opened my mouth.

Next month will be the anniversary of our first date, 16 years ago. This October will be our tenth wedding anniversary. I have been with this woman that I love more than anything for almost half of my life. This is someone I adore and cherish, she’s my best friend and I almost let it slip away because essentially I’m an idiot. I’m no marriage expert, but, I do know this. The one and only thing that will keep your marriage together in my opinion is communication. The love is always there even if you have to dig for it from time to time.

My anxiety and depression still are worse than I’d like right now, but that isn’t really the point of this particular entry. It’s about talking to your significant other. Don’t let your pride get in the way of your love for each other, it isn’t worth what you may potentially give up.

I hope maybe someone will read this and will help them in their relationship.

As always, thanks for listening talk to you all later.